ParaKiss Anime and a little blues

I've been thinking lately.. I'm starting too many privat projects and don't finish them, I've gotten unreliable when it comes to that. I'm still not getting used to not having much time - I often forget, say "Hey, I could do this or that for you!" but somewhat fail due to a lack of time and willpower.
Then I miss the time when I was in school and had half the day to do things for others or myself.
I especially loved the feeling of helping others out and them being happy and grateful. Now it seems I'm putting all my energy into work and not much is left for home. Hm.. my whining doesn't get commented lately, so I'll go to the lighter side of the note...

Paradise Kiss the anime is out on fansub since a short while, that's big happy news for me and I was glad to see it. Hey Magnolia, it's the same team behind Honey & Clover, I heard - It really shows, after I watched it XD Nice work, captures the artsy feel of the Manga well. By the way, thanks for introducing me to Honey & Clover, I really like it a lot! Just a little too low-paced to get on my "love"-scale, but it's a fine anime for relaxing. Back to ParaKiss, critically speaking there are some flaws, but that would be nitpicking - under the line I'd say its very worth watching and I sure enjoyed it ^_^

Torrents here I'd reccomend the ones done by "F-B & AF-F", but it may just be a matter of taste which fansub teams you prefer.

  • Current Music
    LUNA SEA - Rain [piano]

nada

I have a hard time writing LJ posts.

Either things aren't really that exciting to write about, or my posts would be too much drama. Maybe I think too much about what other people think - maybe I should just write what I feel, but that's the way I am, I thought.

Right now I'm unhappy.

I've lost too much, said too much I should have kept to myself, was too much drama to take I guess. Then again there is so much I have - some wonderful friends, people to hug and comfort, a fine spot as apprentice in a wonderful crew of workers, all individuals with their own funny quirks. There are many people I love and treasure as friends by now, yet still...

That person was just too special... after our relationship ended, we lost contact for a long time, just because I was too cowardly too face her again. Then I saw her again, talked and was so happy to have contact again, I was overwhelmed.. for a while I was happier than I ever remembered to be.

One week passed in which I didn't recieve returning e-mails, and I became impatient - I ended up offending her, saying I was dissapointed. It was my mistake, she clearly wrote in her LJ she was gone that week. After that, nothing returned to normal again.
I appologized, but nothing came back. I broke down and poured my heart out, nothing in return.

For me there's nothing left, I guess. If we could have just talked it out.. or decently decided to cease contact, I would have respected her wish, since all I want is her happiness.. and as painful that would have been, it wouldn't be as bad as this.
I know I made mistakes... I know.. but is this the suffering I deserve?
No matter how irrational and maybe unsensible my feelings for her may be, it's not like I can turn it off with a switch, with the blink of an eye! I can disguise myself, I can wear the happy mask as you've done yourself in the past - but on the inside nothing has worn out.

I can't understand why it turned out this way - You're a wonderful women, and I can see you've gained pride and grown just more to be a strong lady. Even now after I'm dismissed, I admire you. And I *can* live without you. I am, after all. I wrote I will always love you, that doesn't mean my love life is at its end. I hope to find a person that reminds me of you somehow - warm and gentle, yet determined, passionate and strong-willed.
But you won't ever be forgotten, and even if I just know a page of the story that's you - right now you're the love of my life and you're keeping that special place well.
Too well for my sake sometimes. Hmpf ^^ But that's life.
  • Current Music
    Michiru Oshima - Beaming Sunlight
serenity

The Austria Fallover and random stuff

Just to keep things updated, here's a breakdown of a the last weeks.

On wednesday the 3rd David, who's sort of like Nr.2 behind our boss Swen,
took me on a trip to austria on a customer support mission, we did some schooling for our systems in the "Warther Hof" - a Austrian 4-star Wellness-Hotel.
In German countries "wellness" is a term for spa, relaxation, health and beauty - basically those hotels are our customers and we make them overall better, more intuitive websites that bring new guests in the end - and we don't use dirty tricks like keyword-spamming, we pretty much work fair and square)
Heareth teh storyCollapse )
  • Current Music
    YeLLOW Generation - Tobira no Mukou he
weeeeird

Huuuhh? Need some coffee, either way.

LiveJournal Haiku!
Your name:arima_soujirou
Your haiku:her as a kind of
girl to whom i could bring up
excuses in masses i
Username:
Created by Grahame

My gosh o_o I guess it's somewhat true when people say there are no coincidences x_X Geh.. this' so very true T_T
I need to take time to think about things, but currently I hardly get time to rest my head somewhere.
I'm glad vacations are comming closer - I've havent' had vacations since ages, I feel. Indeed its been almost two years now, but I hardly noticed. My dedication to my work has risen, but I'm at a point where its costing me too much of my private life, with me working overtime without being asked for it - the work needs to be done, its often more than I can handle during a day.
But maybe its more of a way of running away from home - there are days where I just can't see mom anymore, it is all to tiring. Too loud, to much anger, no excuses, poor responsibility - I could just run sometimes, but I don't want to get too deep into those thoughts - there will be a better way to solve this.
  • Current Music
    FMA OST1 - Michiru Oshima - Beaming Sunlight
serenity

Concerts, average week, a pic of me

Hm.. an average week actually ::scratcheshead::
Well - OnNi (the otaku meetup) on Saturday was just fine again ^^ Though we seriously need a decent program in future, as its just so random and if you're not constantly spending time talking with the girls, you'd find it rather boring. I wish we'd do more as a group in total, we're so chopped in little groups and couples as it is right now.
And while I'm in a way everywhere to be seen and chat people from all groups - I'm also nowhere, in a way. Sometimes a bit angst comes across me and I'm missing that "at home" feeling, even with all the cuddling and friendly environment.

Here's a pseudo-wallpaper'ized picture of me in the backyard of the schoolbuilding where the OnNi is held each month.

Other than that, I forgot big news of the past:
Moi dix Moi and Dir en grey came to Germany and I was on both concerts! XD
Moi dix Moi (Led by ex-Malice Mizer member Mana) in munich, Dir en grey in Berlin. Both were good shows, Dir en grey was tiring a little, between the 3500 obsessive fangirls @_@  My ears are seriously damaged a little too, so I'm more careful from now on... sadly my favourite songs weren't played, they only plaid the tracks from their new album, none of their big classics like "Cage", "Yokan", "Akuro no Oka" or "Yurameki" - as a fan of their softer, mid-tempo & melodic sides, I wasn't too happy with the selection.

On the big upside - I've recently started download Full Metal Alchemist and that's one kick-ass anime o_o; It's been a long while since a anime has captivated me that much - I underestimated this series by far, thinking it was yer' average power-up shonen anime with a load of magic. Instead it unfolds as a deep and tragic story that's already moved me to tears once and I wouldn't be surprised if it happens again.

  • Current Music
    ASIAN KUNG-FU GENERATION - Rewrite
serenity

Reviving a Home

Hi there ^_^;

I'm somewhat afraid of returning for a post after such a long time - I feel bad reffering to you all als "friends" when I practically abandoned LJ and didn't take the time to post anymore. Sure, I could bring up excuses in masses - I indeed was busy, but I wish to be an honest person and being real - of course somewhere there was space here and their to write a post, at least once a week or so. ::sighs::

Done ist done, I met Erica online again yesterday and she reminded me of LJ - So you bet I'm back, ahahaha ^_^( )
Here's the plan - from now on I'll seriously at least post once a week from now on, usually at the end of the week. I'll write about the happenings of the week at work, progress in the singing "training camp", meetings with friends - the usual stuff.
Huh? Work? Training camp? Well hell, a lot has been going on since way back then ^_^;

Big time post, of course - lucky i just recalled how lj-cut works XDCollapse )

serenity

yyyyYYYY...


(Sorry about the flashy crap ^^;; )
So its' done, I passed the drivers license test on friday!! ^_______^

Ah, sorry that I didn't tell many of you about it early but there was just too much going on lately so I didn't know where my head was.
On 15th I had a meeting with a certain Volker Kramer who will be a kind of supervisor for me, advising me on my way to get a job in the aftermath of an internship. I'm in a special program for unemployed teens like me who need a little help and direction. It also contains seminar-like schoolings where we're tought tips on applications and in-job communication, for example. It will also be paid with monthly around 200$. However you can bet I won't see much of that, in this house ^^;;

And well, On 16th was my birthday ^^; Sorry I didn't prepare anyone, I'm not big in caring much about my birthday, though I want to change that in future.
  • Current Mood
    accomplished accomplished
serenity

Just updating, I guess.

I feel its time for another update on what's going on - thought to let you know.
Nothing too special in particular, actually. The usual up and down of life, it seems.
My friend David bought me a Dreamcast off ebay. Just like that.
Well he said I should think about it when my birthday comes - meaning it's an early birthday present XD
That's fine with me of course and I'm very thankful for it, to say the least.
Just a few days later he gave me his Shenmue II - the game definately wished for most on DC, though I surely would have bought it myself as soon as I had the money. However there is a mild snag to it - disc 1 has a bit of an error in one area of the game, which is why Dave ordered himself a new (yet used) Shenmue II from ebay again. But in the end I found out how to avoid that error, so I basically could fully enjoy Shenmue II. Well, boring stuff.
That was weeks ago and I finished the game by now, but am now playing it for the second time, catching all the side-plots and secrets along the way that I missed throughout my first round.

Well, enough of that. How's my current state?
Not too satisfied with myself actually, I'm starting to slack off a little again and am feeling pretty weak over all. I guess I should do more sports again to regain some power and verve, but at the moment I'm in my typical unstructured state where there's lots I'd like to do but I don't know where to start, as stupid as it sounds.
I need good muse. Or maybe just a boot in my fat behind.

On another note, I'm glad about the positive feedback to my karaoke recording, but I did notice it was very sparse and I can't get rid of the feeling many just didn't notice the post - Now it may be awful, smitable, gross attention-whoring by me, but I'd really like to encourage you to leave a brief review of the recording, even those who'd love to bash it are welcome ::lol:: Honesty is welcome, really.

Here it is again - Best off to right click and save it, making sure it doesn't get streamed
  • Current Music
    KOTOKO - Short Circuit

Karaoke!

Since I found a good overdub program letting me record while hearing the music, and I happened to have a small set of karaoke versions I thought I'd try it out and make a recording ^_^;;

So this is the outcome: Me singing "Ningyo Hime", the second ending song of Chobits, originally sung by Rei Tanaka.
Well its not perfect ^^;; It may be recorded with a cheap headset, but its not an excuse for my mediocre singing ::lol::
Since I wasn't able to reach the highest heights in the song well, the whole track was pitched down by 0.15 octaves, by the way.

Click here to listen!

Freenet has a 1MB file limit, so it's just 32kbit 16khz mono ~.~ if you do happen to like it for some odd reason, I can send you a high-quality version over AIM ^_^;;

Ah, and in case you're wondering - there really is this long verseless pause in the song, I didn't forget anything ^^;;
  • Current Music
    Rie Tanaka - Chobits - Ningyo Hime

It's over!

My time of "civil-duty" is over (the work in the hospital)
The 10 months aren't absolutely over, but I didn't take much use of my vacation time, so the rest was assigned to this month and WAMM! 7th of July became the end, instead of the 31th.
So what now?
I want to get some advice by a careers officer to gain some orientation, since in the current situation here in Germany, its no good to focus on exactly one job direction so I basically want to find out all options I have.
Before an appointment is made, I can't feel or breathe easy yet. I just have to move on to the next step.

To be honest, I also want to leave behind the time at the hospital soon. A nurse expressed her dissatisfaction, saying I must work on being more reliable, saying "When one gave you two orders, one could almost be sure you'd forget the second one"
That's a lie - a shameless, hurtful exaggeration I would have never expected a nurse in her position to say. I'm dissappointed and pissed off. Its no suprise though - its always been her - brash and unkind as she was, she never seemed to put herself in my situation and understand that nearly everyone in this hospital is my superior, thus leading to an excess ammount of tasks being told to me from all sides, all nurses and even their helpers.
I wasn't as reliable as it gets, yes. I'm not perfect after all. But if of 6 orders I fail to remember one inbetween and then immediatly do that task - can that be unnacceptable and is that anyhow comparable to a ratio of "1/2 forgotten" she talks about?
How.. how can a nurse, a women that should be in any way social try to tear me down like this after 10 months in which I dedicated all of my heart, body and soul into the work, for the sake of each patient. And I know I satisfied more than what she tries to make me believe, I know there were so many complimenting me, so many being thankful, so why, why must I even care?

I should learn its impossible to satisfy everyone, at last. But I find it ridiculously hard to accept.
If one percieved me this way - even if I know its not the truth - it still hurts and brings me down.
But I'll show you, bitter lady. I'll prove in future how reliable I really can be.
I'll improve more than I have improved and eventually I'll satisfy even such harsh fools as you are!

Nono, 'don't mean YOU reading of course T_T ::hugs you:: sorry about over-ranting things.
  • Current Mood
    discontent discontent