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ParaKiss Anime and a little blues   
07:26pm 01/11/2005
mood: peaceful

I've been thinking lately.. I'm starting too many privat projects and don't finish them, I've gotten unreliable when it comes to that. I'm still not getting used to not having much time - I often forget, say "Hey, I could do this or that for you!" but somewhat fail due to a lack of time and willpower.
Then I miss the time when I was in school and had half the day to do things for others or myself.
I especially loved the feeling of helping others out and them being happy and grateful. Now it seems I'm putting all my energy into work and not much is left for home. Hm.. my whining doesn't get commented lately, so I'll go to the lighter side of the note...

Paradise Kiss the anime is out on fansub since a short while, that's big happy news for me and I was glad to see it. Hey Magnolia, it's the same team behind Honey & Clover, I heard - It really shows, after I watched it XD Nice work, captures the artsy feel of the Manga well. By the way, thanks for introducing me to Honey & Clover, I really like it a lot! Just a little too low-paced to get on my "love"-scale, but it's a fine anime for relaxing. Back to ParaKiss, critically speaking there are some flaws, but that would be nitpicking - under the line I'd say its very worth watching and I sure enjoyed it ^_^

Torrents here I'd reccomend the ones done by "F-B & AF-F", but it may just be a matter of taste which fansub teams you prefer.

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10:29pm 03/10/2005
mood: sad
I have a hard time writing LJ posts.

Either things aren't really that exciting to write about, or my posts would be too much drama. Maybe I think too much about what other people think - maybe I should just write what I feel, but that's the way I am, I thought.

Right now I'm unhappy.

I've lost too much, said too much I should have kept to myself, was too much drama to take I guess. Then again there is so much I have - some wonderful friends, people to hug and comfort, a fine spot as apprentice in a wonderful crew of workers, all individuals with their own funny quirks. There are many people I love and treasure as friends by now, yet still...

That person was just too special... after our relationship ended, we lost contact for a long time, just because I was too cowardly too face her again. Then I saw her again, talked and was so happy to have contact again, I was overwhelmed.. for a while I was happier than I ever remembered to be.

One week passed in which I didn't recieve returning e-mails, and I became impatient - I ended up offending her, saying I was dissapointed. It was my mistake, she clearly wrote in her LJ she was gone that week. After that, nothing returned to normal again.
I appologized, but nothing came back. I broke down and poured my heart out, nothing in return.

For me there's nothing left, I guess. If we could have just talked it out.. or decently decided to cease contact, I would have respected her wish, since all I want is her happiness.. and as painful that would have been, it wouldn't be as bad as this.
I know I made mistakes... I know.. but is this the suffering I deserve?
No matter how irrational and maybe unsensible my feelings for her may be, it's not like I can turn it off with a switch, with the blink of an eye! I can disguise myself, I can wear the happy mask as you've done yourself in the past - but on the inside nothing has worn out.

I can't understand why it turned out this way - You're a wonderful women, and I can see you've gained pride and grown just more to be a strong lady. Even now after I'm dismissed, I admire you. And I *can* live without you. I am, after all. I wrote I will always love you, that doesn't mean my love life is at its end. I hope to find a person that reminds me of you somehow - warm and gentle, yet determined, passionate and strong-willed.
But you won't ever be forgotten, and even if I just know a page of the story that's you - right now you're the love of my life and you're keeping that special place well.
Too well for my sake sometimes. Hmpf ^^ But that's life.
The Austria Fallover and random stuff   
02:14pm 22/08/2005
mood: accomplished
Just to keep things updated, here's a breakdown of a the last weeks.

On wednesday the 3rd David, who's sort of like Nr.2 behind our boss Swen,
took me on a trip to austria on a customer support mission, we did some schooling for our systems in the "Warther Hof" - a Austrian 4-star Wellness-Hotel.
In German countries "wellness" is a term for spa, relaxation, health and beauty - basically those hotels are our customers and we make them overall better, more intuitive websites that bring new guests in the end - and we don't use dirty tricks like keyword-spamming, we pretty much work fair and square)
Heareth teh storyCollapse )
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Huuuhh? Need some coffee, either way.   
08:43pm 21/07/2005
mood: weird
LiveJournal Haiku!
Your name:arima_soujirou
Your haiku:her as a kind of
girl to whom i could bring up
excuses in masses i
Created by Grahame

My gosh o_o I guess it's somewhat true when people say there are no coincidences x_X Geh.. this' so very true T_T
I need to take time to think about things, but currently I hardly get time to rest my head somewhere.
I'm glad vacations are comming closer - I've havent' had vacations since ages, I feel. Indeed its been almost two years now, but I hardly noticed. My dedication to my work has risen, but I'm at a point where its costing me too much of my private life, with me working overtime without being asked for it - the work needs to be done, its often more than I can handle during a day.
But maybe its more of a way of running away from home - there are days where I just can't see mom anymore, it is all to tiring. Too loud, to much anger, no excuses, poor responsibility - I could just run sometimes, but I don't want to get too deep into those thoughts - there will be a better way to solve this.
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Concerts, average week, a pic of me   
12:06am 12/07/2005
mood: tired

Hm.. an average week actually ::scratcheshead::
Well - OnNi (the otaku meetup) on Saturday was just fine again ^^ Though we seriously need a decent program in future, as its just so random and if you're not constantly spending time talking with the girls, you'd find it rather boring. I wish we'd do more as a group in total, we're so chopped in little groups and couples as it is right now.
And while I'm in a way everywhere to be seen and chat people from all groups - I'm also nowhere, in a way. Sometimes a bit angst comes across me and I'm missing that "at home" feeling, even with all the cuddling and friendly environment.

Here's a pseudo-wallpaper'ized picture of me in the backyard of the schoolbuilding where the OnNi is held each month.

Other than that, I forgot big news of the past:
Moi dix Moi and Dir en grey came to Germany and I was on both concerts! XD
Moi dix Moi (Led by ex-Malice Mizer member Mana) in munich, Dir en grey in Berlin. Both were good shows, Dir en grey was tiring a little, between the 3500 obsessive fangirls @_@  My ears are seriously damaged a little too, so I'm more careful from now on... sadly my favourite songs weren't played, they only plaid the tracks from their new album, none of their big classics like "Cage", "Yokan", "Akuro no Oka" or "Yurameki" - as a fan of their softer, mid-tempo & melodic sides, I wasn't too happy with the selection.

On the big upside - I've recently started download Full Metal Alchemist and that's one kick-ass anime o_o; It's been a long while since a anime has captivated me that much - I underestimated this series by far, thinking it was yer' average power-up shonen anime with a load of magic. Instead it unfolds as a deep and tragic story that's already moved me to tears once and I wouldn't be surprised if it happens again.

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Reviving a Home   
09:18pm 03/07/2005
mood: calm

Hi there ^_^;

I'm somewhat afraid of returning for a post after such a long time - I feel bad reffering to you all als "friends" when I practically abandoned LJ and didn't take the time to post anymore. Sure, I could bring up excuses in masses - I indeed was busy, but I wish to be an honest person and being real - of course somewhere there was space here and their to write a post, at least once a week or so. ::sighs::

Done ist done, I met Erica online again yesterday and she reminded me of LJ - So you bet I'm back, ahahaha ^_^( )
Here's the plan - from now on I'll seriously at least post once a week from now on, usually at the end of the week. I'll write about the happenings of the week at work, progress in the singing "training camp", meetings with friends - the usual stuff.
Huh? Work? Training camp? Well hell, a lot has been going on since way back then ^_^;

Big time post, of course - lucky i just recalled how lj-cut works XDCollapse )

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10:38pm 19/09/2004
mood: accomplished

(Sorry about the flashy crap ^^;; )
So its' done, I passed the drivers license test on friday!! ^_______^

Ah, sorry that I didn't tell many of you about it early but there was just too much going on lately so I didn't know where my head was.
On 15th I had a meeting with a certain Volker Kramer who will be a kind of supervisor for me, advising me on my way to get a job in the aftermath of an internship. I'm in a special program for unemployed teens like me who need a little help and direction. It also contains seminar-like schoolings where we're tought tips on applications and in-job communication, for example. It will also be paid with monthly around 200$. However you can bet I won't see much of that, in this house ^^;;

And well, On 16th was my birthday ^^; Sorry I didn't prepare anyone, I'm not big in caring much about my birthday, though I want to change that in future.
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Just updating, I guess.   
05:51pm 23/08/2004
mood: lethargic
I feel its time for another update on what's going on - thought to let you know.
Nothing too special in particular, actually. The usual up and down of life, it seems.
My friend David bought me a Dreamcast off ebay. Just like that.
Well he said I should think about it when my birthday comes - meaning it's an early birthday present XD
That's fine with me of course and I'm very thankful for it, to say the least.
Just a few days later he gave me his Shenmue II - the game definately wished for most on DC, though I surely would have bought it myself as soon as I had the money. However there is a mild snag to it - disc 1 has a bit of an error in one area of the game, which is why Dave ordered himself a new (yet used) Shenmue II from ebay again. But in the end I found out how to avoid that error, so I basically could fully enjoy Shenmue II. Well, boring stuff.
That was weeks ago and I finished the game by now, but am now playing it for the second time, catching all the side-plots and secrets along the way that I missed throughout my first round.

Well, enough of that. How's my current state?
Not too satisfied with myself actually, I'm starting to slack off a little again and am feeling pretty weak over all. I guess I should do more sports again to regain some power and verve, but at the moment I'm in my typical unstructured state where there's lots I'd like to do but I don't know where to start, as stupid as it sounds.
I need good muse. Or maybe just a boot in my fat behind.

On another note, I'm glad about the positive feedback to my karaoke recording, but I did notice it was very sparse and I can't get rid of the feeling many just didn't notice the post - Now it may be awful, smitable, gross attention-whoring by me, but I'd really like to encourage you to leave a brief review of the recording, even those who'd love to bash it are welcome ::lol:: Honesty is welcome, really.

Here it is again - Best off to right click and save it, making sure it doesn't get streamed
11:00pm 13/07/2004
mood: calm
Since I found a good overdub program letting me record while hearing the music, and I happened to have a small set of karaoke versions I thought I'd try it out and make a recording ^_^;;

So this is the outcome: Me singing "Ningyo Hime", the second ending song of Chobits, originally sung by Rei Tanaka.
Well its not perfect ^^;; It may be recorded with a cheap headset, but its not an excuse for my mediocre singing ::lol::
Since I wasn't able to reach the highest heights in the song well, the whole track was pitched down by 0.15 octaves, by the way.

Click here to listen!

Freenet has a 1MB file limit, so it's just 32kbit 16khz mono ~.~ if you do happen to like it for some odd reason, I can send you a high-quality version over AIM ^_^;;

Ah, and in case you're wondering - there really is this long verseless pause in the song, I didn't forget anything ^^;;
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It's over!   
08:49pm 07/07/2004
mood: discontent
My time of "civil-duty" is over (the work in the hospital)
The 10 months aren't absolutely over, but I didn't take much use of my vacation time, so the rest was assigned to this month and WAMM! 7th of July became the end, instead of the 31th.
So what now?
I want to get some advice by a careers officer to gain some orientation, since in the current situation here in Germany, its no good to focus on exactly one job direction so I basically want to find out all options I have.
Before an appointment is made, I can't feel or breathe easy yet. I just have to move on to the next step.

To be honest, I also want to leave behind the time at the hospital soon. A nurse expressed her dissatisfaction, saying I must work on being more reliable, saying "When one gave you two orders, one could almost be sure you'd forget the second one"
That's a lie - a shameless, hurtful exaggeration I would have never expected a nurse in her position to say. I'm dissappointed and pissed off. Its no suprise though - its always been her - brash and unkind as she was, she never seemed to put herself in my situation and understand that nearly everyone in this hospital is my superior, thus leading to an excess ammount of tasks being told to me from all sides, all nurses and even their helpers.
I wasn't as reliable as it gets, yes. I'm not perfect after all. But if of 6 orders I fail to remember one inbetween and then immediatly do that task - can that be unnacceptable and is that anyhow comparable to a ratio of "1/2 forgotten" she talks about?
How.. how can a nurse, a women that should be in any way social try to tear me down like this after 10 months in which I dedicated all of my heart, body and soul into the work, for the sake of each patient. And I know I satisfied more than what she tries to make me believe, I know there were so many complimenting me, so many being thankful, so why, why must I even care?

I should learn its impossible to satisfy everyone, at last. But I find it ridiculously hard to accept.
If one percieved me this way - even if I know its not the truth - it still hurts and brings me down.
But I'll show you, bitter lady. I'll prove in future how reliable I really can be.
I'll improve more than I have improved and eventually I'll satisfy even such harsh fools as you are!

Nono, 'don't mean YOU reading of course T_T ::hugs you:: sorry about over-ranting things.
GAAAAAHH! FINALLY BACK! ::inhales deeply::   
04:33pm 22/06/2004
mood: aggravated
GEEZ - I felt like starving and dying from thirst at once the last days.
Why? Well the telephone bill wasn't paid, my pay came late and currently I'm the one paying most bills except for the rent. And after it was paid it still took nearly a week now till it ran again.
Actually I've experienced longer times offline, but this time I felt like I desperately needed it and I was glad I could catch my some of my precious friends, including YOU, yes YOU, online lately just before the big drop came.

I'm struggling lately, as so many of you too, in their own ways and problems.

Circumstances have thrown me against the wall, into the position of being like a father for my brother David. Financially I'm the one earning the money right now. Mom has this little joke of a job that gives her around 40$ per month, but somebody has to be there for David so we can't both work. And can't afford a babysitter at the moment.
I'm trying to think social, but then at work, knowing my money barely fills the fridge and pays the bills, it just hurts knowing I can't buy my anything, anything for myself at the end of a work-filled month.
And nobody I talk to about this issue understands it, most are like "I'd move the hell out, what is she even thinking? Its her responsibility, its your money."
If it was that easy. Maybe if it was just mom and me I would have left her by now - found some other way of living.
But there's David, my innocent 3-year old brother.
But I've become so tired of her - I feel like I lost any rest of respect I had for her.
She wants me to become more responsible and independant?
Now she's dependant on me and can't find another way of handling the situation.
You unreliable, irresponsible, incompetent, foolish, superficial being are supposed to be my mother?
I'm nothing but ashamed, by dear. Even considering you seem to be trying to be someone better, it is usually more an act on the outside, your inside has never changed.
So if I try to sum up how I feel currently...
dissapointed, enraged, lonely, held down, under pressure and on the verge of breaking apart, yet even too weak to let that happen
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Gravitation complete, Sniffles and a Dir en grey DVD.   
02:29am 31/05/2004
mood: sick
Ah it's that time of the year again.
My eyes start itching, the sniffles all the time.

But I'm fine, I got two things cheering me up:
1. I managed to download Gravitation eps 10-13 finally! :D
2. My Dir en grey Musicvideo Collection DVD arrived, got it from ebay a few days ago!
Ureshi~! XD

And you all of course too contribute to my good mood, be it through just listening/reading or through actual encouragement. Cheesy, I know - but all of you helped me once in some way, and I hope I can repay you more - I hardly find the time or strength to reply to posts anymore, which embarresses me a lot - a goal of mine is to change that and be more of an active LJ friend.
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That hurt.   
06:58pm 16/05/2004
mood: confused
Well, today I phoned with Tina again a little and somewhere in the middle I asked her if she had a boyfriend.
Well yes.
I hadn't asked her yet but it never seemed as if she had one. And we talked and talked casually, she told me about him and that he's kind of complicated, and the relationship is quite and on/off type with her often wanting to break free but realizing she loves him, even considering that he often lies.
Wasn't to happy to hear that, as you can bet. Not just because I had a deep crush on her, but also because of her not really being in a happy relationship.
That's not all though. Unfortunately she has quite an alcohol issue too, sadly. I was ready to accept that though, if she would still be single. Besides that issue, I love her mild and open-minded personality and how much we share the same views after all.
So right now I'm quite torn, but somehow ok.
I'm not sure if I should see myself having chances or not though. I know she likes me like she knows I like her, but she is very attached to him. I guess I'll just have to be satisfied with being friends and just wait and see how things move on.
And that shouldn't be too hard because she's the kind of girl I always wanted as a female friend - never thought I'd find someone like that outside the internet and living in a nearby village.
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Historical Moment!   
11:55pm 13/05/2004
mood: good
Wow.. well yeah, its an historical moment. What happened? For the first time in my life I asked for a girl's number. And I recieved it with a smile.
So here's the short story behind it:
As you probably all know I'm working as this kind of nurse-helper in the hospital. At the beginning of the week the big boss Mrs. Müller came down to me and told me I'd be needed down in the X-Ray archives, where the complete X-Ray folders had to be moved out of the old room due to renovation. So I worked there for a while and on wednesday the builder setting up the shelfs recieved some extra backup by a female trainee. I got to like her at first sight. She looked straight into my eyes with this kind of soft and laidback smile and I just thought "Wow.. she's cute." So that day and today we worked a lot together and chatted inbetween, I was suprised how often we had the same view on things, how we both screw up the same, are just as disorganized and forgetful and all in all I just really got to like her. She's the kind of girl to whom I could tell my most embarressing stories and know she wouldn't think bad of me. And we goofed around a lot, which was really fun for once.
Just the cutest punk girl I've seen so far XD
Martina's her name, by the way. I guess I'll call her Tina from now on.
Now I got to calm down a little and get to know her more - its no use in rushing, and I can see us being best friends just as much as I can see us becoming more. Both would be awesome though.

So in the end of the day I decided to ask it [inside the archives, both standing face to shelf]

"Say.. how much longer will you be working here actually?"
"Probably just today and we'll be moving on"
"Just today..."
"What are you thinking of?"
"I was just thinking.. I kinda like you, you know? I'd like to stay in touch..and.. I could imagine us being good friends so... would you mind giving me your number?"
"Sure thing" and she gave me her trademark smirking smile
Frustration of Evolution   
10:46pm 29/04/2004
mood: relaxed
I should be happy actually. Work in the hospital is going just fine and I have this feeling of being a real part of the crew now. And I'm, well, a lot cooler at work. Far away from the angsty boy I was when I started my work here. And at home I've made a major improvement too:
I'm exercising :D
Right now I'm inside a daily routine where I do 20 push-ups, 20 sit-ups, 30 crunches, some weightlifting and most important: jogging. About 20 minutes long - can't take more yet, even at bullet-time-like slowest imaginable speed XD ::nodnod::
Even with all the walking in the hospital, I'm just not physically active enough and I really felt it was time for a major change before things get any worse. Now I feel I'm on a new direction and I can feel my stamina going up gradually. I also really got some suprising disciplin in it, no matter how hard the work was or how tired I am - I just get up and go outside. I'm kind of proud of that..
but there's a downside..
After all is done I get to the PC at around 10:00pm while i should go to bed at around 11:00pm for a good dose of sleep.
I usually go to bed at midnight then, but 2h online just isn't enough to get all the things done I would like to do ::sighs::

Ah, BIG news beside that! On tuesday I had my first driving lesson @_@
It went ok though I was hyper-nervous for at least half of the time - I was suprised that I figured out gear-shifting so well in the end. I'm really excited about tomorrow where the next lesson will be held - hope I can do it a lot better already, but of course I should be patient with myself.
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10:04am 16/04/2004
mood: peaceful
YES! I did it ^_^
The theoretical drivers license exam, that is.
Yeah, no big deal actually ^^;; But for someone with learning issues like me, its a big step. I also saw again how continuous learning really does the trick, and that I am able of doing something that requires such self-disciplin.

Besides that, two days ago Dennis called, my first stepdad. The one I actually grew up with. He called me in response of the letter I wrote him, where I finally gave him the respect he deserved for trying his best to be a father. I wrote nothing but the truth - that he was the one and only father I grew up with, no one else and no one less. On the phone he told me he was moved to tears by the letter, and that he even hung a copy of it on a wall now. I told him I was equally moved while writing it, since many thoughts of the past went through my head and I realized what a good father he was. We talked a lot about things - how we're doing, our situation, anything that came to mind. He's living in France now (we live just a few miles away from the French border, you must know), has a new wife and 3 children, one being a child of his wife's former relationship, just like I was back then.

I'm wishing him all the luck there is for the future - even if I failed to fully respect him in the past, he was a good and sensitive dad, one that many wish for so it.. makes me sad that I didn't appreciate him like I should have.
We'll meet again for sure - I told him he can call me anytime - maybe I'll help at building the house he plans to build, that would be nice.
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The Magic of an Embrace   
02:03am 11/04/2004
mood: happy
What a nice day. What nice and warm people.
So that was my first Visual Kei fan meeting in Stuttgart - the Stuvit.
Just got back home from the 3h trainride away city, now I'm just relaxing and letting the images of the day pass in my mind. Really a great bunch of Jrock fans - it was suprising how I was accepted, even though I sure wasn't styled a lot Visual. And some of the others sure were dressed fantastic XD
I'm glad I went and wasn't so afraid of being left on the outside. In the end I was rewarded by being hugged more than I ever was in my life.
Heh, naturally I'm moved, of course.

So in a way it was almost a spiritual day for me, and I somehow made it to be more myself, more talkative and alive than I usually am.
And this makes me see again that one can hardly find himself on his own, but rather through the warmth and acceptance of others.
I've lost weight on my back by being myself - if I lose the rest of that load, I should be able to be me more than I ever was in such an environment.

Ah.. I was hugged XD
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Yes, still alive - still around ^_^;   
07:57pm 28/03/2004
mood: excited
Actually I have a lot to tell this time, really.
I'll even reward patient readers with a special download link ::nod nod:: ::lol::

So work on my drivers license is going great, next friday I'll be taking my theoretical exam at last.
This time I'm really prepared for it and feel full of confidence.

And then there's "Taktmalerei", a small, fun and more "intelectual" rap-group led by Sandro - friend of my best friend David, and Ralph, the friend and producer. David somehow told Ralph that I could sing quite well and Ralph politely asked me if I could make a demo tape or something, so I made a demo mp3 and sent it to him. They both liked it and would like to work with me, now I'm really excited and happy of course. So yeah, I'm half-ways inside a band ::lol:: Lets see how this evolves.
Besides all that we're also in a movie project together, also directed by Sandro. It'll be a rather wicked martial-arts trash comedy.
The basic story is about 3 "Kung-Fu heroes" on their way to regain their lost "souls". On their way to find the thief they meet various
friends, like Conan the barbarian or the team of Robin Hood and Legolas, the "archerfags" (don't worry, none of us are homophobes, this sure isn't serious). The thief is "Death" from Terry Pratchett's Discworld, by the way.
So as you can see it'll be utter nonsense, but I'm faithful it will end up being just as funny as nuts.

So that about wraps it up for now. Apart from that I finally got a PC gamepad! (wee) - I use it mainly for emulator play though XD

Anybody heard Gackt's album Crescent? If not, here's a link you should definately visit ^_^
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A bilingual post for once ^^;   
09:48pm 04/03/2004
mood: relaxed
"Jeder ist seines Glückes Smied" , sagt man ja. Ich glaube aber vielen fehlt das richtige Material ^_^;;
Das ist mir mal eingefallen als ich über die Lage meiner Mutter nachgedacht habe, die bislang nicht gerade viel Glück im Leben hatte, so wie es scheint. Und natürlich frage ich mich manchmal wieso. Auf jeden Fall bin ich mir aber über eines sicher - aufgeben sollte niemand. Wer noch kein Glück hatte, der hat vielleicht einfach nicht das richtige "Eisen" gefunden. Man muss deswegen nicht denken man wäre ein schlechter Smied.
So viel zu der seltsamen Metapher ::lol:: Wie steht's um mich, fragt ihr euch?
Ich kann nicht klagen, ich habe verdammtes Glück was meine Fahrschule betrifft. Eigentlich bin ich schon viel zu lange dabei und müsste von vorne anfangen, aber weil ich den vieleicht nachsichtigsten Fahrschullehrer des Ortenaukreises habe, schein ich nochmal mit einem blauen Auge davon zu kommen. Er hat alles in die Wege geleitet für eine zweite Verlängerung.
Diesmal werde ich niemand mehr entäuschen, ich stehe kurz davor... die Theorieprüfung zu schaffen ^_^;;
Wie erbärmlich bin ich eigentlich? ::lol::
Mal im ernst, leider liegt es an einer ernsthaften Konzentrationsschwäche von mir, dass ich seit jeher schwach im Lernen bin. Früher hab ich viel durch Improvisation ausgeglichen, aber damit kommt man halt nicht so weit.
Irgendwann werde ich schon "proffesionelle Hilfe" zu rate ziehn um das auszubügeln ^-^;;

Ey Ben, English please!Collapse )
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Hm.. forgetting what I wanted to write.. XD   
12:58am 09/02/2004
mood: thoughtful
Seriously now. You ever had the feeling you wanted to write an LJ post and in the moment where you want to start - you forget everything?
We~ll... happens almost to me almost every time.
Now that would be maybe a strange excuse for not posting much, but its partially a sad truth ^^;;

And it makes me thoughtful actually.. I wondering about how expressive or not I am.
Is there something wrong with me, that I keep so many thoughts to myself? Is a LiveJournal even right for me?
And since I do feel like I want to tell the world who I am.. I come to think:
Is this maybe all? Is my character this flat, uninteresting, without much content?
If I look for answers I see myself being.. uninspired and powerless. And actually its hurtful, but I want to try to laugh about it and see things with a smile. I'm at a point where I have a lot to improve, and is that so bad? When you reached a point where you feel you can't get any better, you ultimately face the greatest disappointment, I think.
But I need to move along to really get a life.

But today was nice. I talked to Erica.

And at this point so many writers with a taste would throw the paper in the can, but I'm just not a writer, I guess.
I should be careful not to let it appear as if Erica would be my only ray of light. I have more friends than her after all. But most of you reading this know about the difference between her and them.
I guess you could see it in my eyes, right now.
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